phase down again and again

orang lain semua dah balik kampung. me still stay sini. ada seminar and lab. ok la, for last battle kan. lisa n C dah balik. they'll come back on tuesday. so just me alone kena booked lab. semalam went to struc lab joined meeting for lab booking. i cant forgot dr.izni reaction bila sampai turn aku cam cakap ape yang aku nak guna and technician guide for next week. he like? "are u serious? are u sure? u doing master or phd now? ur model so big and so much. u cant finish it on time. we dont have that space for 1.5m and 15 model" aku cam. YA ALLAH.. seriously takot. phali and ann pun cam wonder about my model. sia sia aku tak balik if tak bole casting next week. pergi cari s.v. then  " im busy for the preparation to go to oversea tomorrow. and i wont been in malaysia till 15 april." yak. my world turn around. berpinar pinar. goosh my project??

then bie duk called pasal beg seed kat pdi. yak. u knew me for years bie. iman aku bab bab shopping shopa nie nipis. stop!!! last last she bought that beg. aku lagi la meroyan!!!
aku tau b just kidding bila cakap dah la lynn tak payah datang k.l tak jumpe aku pun xpe. u just annoyed me. u just miserable and bla bla bla. tapi hati nie tengah hancur cause ayah so over sensitive. but i know u love me b. buat masa nie no one love me like u do. akan ku cuba jauhi u bie. buat masa nie. akan ku lenyap kejap. i'll give u space bie. bukan merajuk tapi just give u space to breath.


i miss ayah so much. i text him.
me    : i saw ur pic and fatin. miss u ayah.
ayah : comel kan.
me   : who? ayah or fatin?
me   : me jeles tengok ayah and fatin.
ayah : ..............................................................

then pagi tadi dalam seminar he text me bla bla bla just random

ayah : tertekan number fon anak sedara pepagi. ( bla bla bla)

i cant read the next sentence. my eyes. my brain only look at word "anak sedara". he never called me anak sedara. he always.."anak perempuan ayah". kat opis dia orang tau. me anak perempuan dia. even dia takde anak perempuan. who am i now ayah? just ur niece. anak sedara. who am i now ayah. i truly hurt ayah. u got fatin and me nothing. u just saw n met her 2 years ago ayah. now she everything and me just like a dirt sandwich. u never called me now. mana ayah yang tak bole hidup without me before. dalam seminggu kena tengok me. kena dengar suara me? u are gone ayah? yup fatin so cute. so lovely so proper. and i just yak.. adik hanif and eman like her. me? me tak kisah orang lain ayah. i just hope u and mami will love me the same. itu je. fatin or anyone just ur anak sedara tiri. if u love kakak or yaya more than me tak pe. nie? u dah tak pandang yaya. u hugged fatin infront of us? ayah bole bayang kan tak? yaya yang pemendam and wont bother if u love anyone other than her pun bole perasan yang u ignore us and be close to fatin.
sampai sini je la ayah. elynn dah betul-betul penat. tiada siapa yang bole dipersalahkan. hanya abah yang salah because got married with mama. he never knew things will turn this way.  he just commoner not like ur family. salah diri nie cause always thought u love me. tak sedar menumpang kasih. i thought it's ok if i lost abah now. kasih sayang ayah still ada. someone will care for me. tapi semua tu angan angan bodoh. u break the promise. u leave abah like others did. i still remember ur words ur promise while u hugging me last year ayah. i hold it. now it just a shit. i should not trust anyone. my own mum, the one who give birth to me always leave me. apatah lagi u ayah. pengajaran for me. in future. i wont let my children be so close to my abang or adik2. so they wont get hurt like me if they been throw away.